Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Are we still banned from the library?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
