So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
