i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
