I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
