Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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