If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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