This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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