Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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