I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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