Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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