Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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