Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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