God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
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My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
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That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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