And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
