I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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