Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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