I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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