It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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