I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
