Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
