You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
