he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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