I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
