what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
3 2 1 whiskey
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
