I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
