I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
