I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
