Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?