don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
