You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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