My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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