I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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