Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just found a bag of teeth...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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