She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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