I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
