The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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