I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
