So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
