I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
