So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
