sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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