Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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