I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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