you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
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you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
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Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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