I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
