Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Boobs speak an international language.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
