I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
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Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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