Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
