Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
