You can't special order awesome
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
