party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
