My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
