I can text with my tongue
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Your topless pictures make me question reality
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
