I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
