Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
