No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
