She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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