i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
