This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
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Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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